Phyllis Beveridge Nissila

WARNING: Gen-X-ers and below, you may wish to avert your imagination before proceeding because…parents and grandparents just…never…I mean, eeewww…

My dear, long-term friend “Jan,” who has been widowed for several years, now, wants to get back in the saddle again.

As it were.

Of course “the saddle,” at our age, often looks more like an over-stuffed couch with plenty of afghans and pillows keeping everybody warm and propped up,  a big tub of fat-free popcorn (no kernels), and a cozy pal who likes to cuddle and doesn’t nod off before eight p.m. while watching cable channels featuring re-runs of TV series’ from the 50s and 60s.

Sixty-five-inch television screen preferred.

Up to three meds okay, depending.

So we were brainstorming some ideas to help her re-enter the dating scene.

Despite the (lifespan-related) attrition rate of our demographic and various other challenges mostly involving medical devices and legal drugs (besides the usual sight, smell, taste, and hearing challenges) we still came up with a few ideas.

I volunteered to ask for recommendations or, perhaps, referrals, from my friend who is also of our demographic and of the opposite sex. He said he’d keep an eye out at his men’s gatherings. But most of his single pals are older than he is, he said, and in worse shape.

So I donned my bifocals, called my functioning brain cells to attention, and came up with a few more ideas.

• Go to restaurants where older guys meet up for breakfast, coffee, Bible studies, insurance policy reviews, etc., wearing your very best in bright colors,
• Sport a healthy splash of perfume, named something like “Afternoon Delight” (only with a new meaning these days) or if you can find this one anymore on eBay and it hasn’t gone bad, “Youth Dew”. “Youth Dew was introduced as an Eau de Parfum and was worn by Joan Crawford. Unlike the light fragrances of the 60s, Youth Dew had a strong long-lasting oriental aroma. With spicy top notes, a heart of rose, clove and cinnamon, and a base of amber, patchouli and vanilla” (source). That oughta get you some attention and maybe even clear the decks leaving only those who fondly and with hope recall the good ol’ days of Youth Dew and young love, or those who no longer have a sense of smell,
• Carry a couple of cookbooks, that is if you like to cook anymore, with titles in big letters (some things never change: men of any age like good cooks and in the older age group, eyesight wanes), and
• Loudly hum old boomer tunes such as “Like to Get to Know You” (Spanky and Our Gang, ca ’68), or “In A Gadda Da Vida” (Iron Butterfly, also ’68). The lyrics get right to the point for the time-sensitive and might remind some of them of those heady college days when they were fully ambulatory.

CAVEATS

• Try another men’s group meeting place if, upon arriving at the restaurant, you see a herd of Harley’s lined up in the parking lot (well, unless…), there is an ambulance by the front door with the motor running and the back door open, and/or there’s a van advertising someplace like “Sunset Trails Assisted Living” wedged in the Handicap space.

And watch this space.

Might have more suggestions after my nap.