Phyllis Beveridge Nissila

The conversation turned to Roman Catholic asceticism.

HER:

Ah, yes, The Ascetics…a peculiar people:

Language: Mea Culpa

Worldview: poverty, chastity, poverty, obedience, poverty

Fashion: sack cloth and ashes

Food: locusts (wild honey only on the holiday)

The Holiday: Day of the Dead

Theme Song: Requiem for Ascetics for solo oboe, B minor

Colors: grey, black, olive drab, asylum green…

HIM:

I love your definition…

HER:

I thank you, as do the following be-sainted ascetics; St. John of the Dungeon, St. Dominic the Dreadful; St. Cimmerian of Hel (pray to when you feel godforsaken); St. Opus of Dei; St. Caliginous Tenebrous (patron saint of gloom); St. Hang of Dog; St. Marly of Morose (patron saint of woe and/or pray to when you are facing a midterm exam on nineteenth-century novels written to reveal the dark underbelly of the world during the Industrial Revolution here and abroad and/or the works of Russian authors during winter, a little “Rachmaninoff: Music for the Melancholy” playing in the background to get you in the mood).

Now, racking my brain as I might, I couldn’t come up with something to play off of “The Diet of Worms”  responsible for that page-turner, “The Edict of Worms” that made mincemeat of Martin Luther (another saint who suffered a lot) back in the old days when heretics really inspired the Pontificate when it came to coming up with new and improved tortures and stuff like that, but then again, I might have distracted the reader into thinking this was a dish for The Lenten Fast…

Of course I made these all up, except for ML and the Diet, but I did go for inspiration to a site on the humor side called EpicPew where you can find odd (real) saints names and things like the following article that is set up like a magazine quiz: “Tell Us Why You Avoid Confession and We’ll Guess Your Temperament,”

And don’t miss this one: “5 Epic Father’s Day Gifts for the Last Minute Gift Giver” (but Drinking with the Saints, the Sinner’s Guide to a Holy Happy Hour might not be every dad’s cup of tea).

So why do I rack my brain trying to make up things when perfectly good things like this are out there for the viewing: “St. Anthony, Cooler Than Just Finding Your Lost Crap” and are purportedly true, here and there?

But check out St. A.’s “relic” just before “His Nickname is ‘Hammer of Heretics'” and see if you don’t throw up a little in your mouth…maybe something to think about during Lent, though, when those lemon gateaus and double-fudge-brownies-deluxe scream to your taste buds morning, noon, and night…

(Ah for the good old days in Catholicism when it just wasn’t so dang hard to control inquiring minds and silence pesky skeptics…).

With all due mea culpas…

Cheers,

The Ex

P.S. Thanks, EpicPew. Love your name, too.